You may find some people who find it easy to cope with difficult subjects are very supportive while others may want to help, but are unsure about how to react. Here are some possible reactions you may come across:
Avoiding People do not avoid you, but they will avoid discussing your surgery and will look you less in the eye. This is because they do not know what to say and/or they are afraid they might embarrass you.
Focusing People want to know so much they seem to be intruding, but they usually mean well. They think that discussing ‘out in the open’ will help you cope.
Cocooning Some relatives, and especially partners, may try and protect you from dealing with others, i.e. ‘wrap you up in cotton wool’. Whilst some form of protection can be helpful when you first leave hospital, in the long term it will isolate you.
Promoting Other relatives or friends may decide to inform a wider audience for you so that you don’t have to explain matters ‘over and over again’. This can be helpful but only if done with your approval.
Coping with response If you are unhappy with the reactions of someone then you might want to help them respond in a more helpful way. The kind of approach you take will depend on the person, your relationship with them and therefore the amount of information you need to discuss with them. It can be a good idea to approach a difficult subject slowly over time, especially if you are dealing with the reaction of your spouse or partner.
Possible approaches are:
Confronting This tack may be taken if you are very upset by somebody’s response, but you could upset them if they have not realised the distress they have been causing you. Go gently. Start by asking them to describe how they think they have been responding and then pick up on any positive points and thank them for their support. You can then begin to describe the problems their reaction has caused you.
Empathising You may think it strange to ask a friend or relative about their feelings about your stoma but it shows that you care. Listening and asking careful questions can help them ‘open up’ and start talking about what you hoped they always would. If you are unsuccessful in changing someone’s response consider asking the stoma care nurse or other specialist to talk to the person. Maybe giving them a booklet to read like this one will help them to understand your wishes better and view your situation from a wider angle.
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